Why Jonathon is Lame
by Lotti's Lot
Summary: Dosen't the title explain it all. He's lame, deal with it. We will also  be making fun of all the other Totallan characters. Hehehe.
1. Jon

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. You know who does; heck I don't even own the idea for this. Thanks to Alsdssg, who gave me permission to copy her Galbatorix is Lame story except as a Tamora Pierce one.**

**Chapter 1: Prince Jonathon**

1. He slept with his squire. Who does that? He could have gotten any  
othergirl, but he did it to Alanna who was so obviously in love with George.

2. He also later tried to force himself onto said squire.

3. Heâ€™s a prick. So much so, in fact, that people write "Jon is a prick"  
fics.

4. He's spoiled by everyone

5. His name is Jon. Therefore if any girl ever wrote to him it would mean she  
was breaking up with him. ( **AN:** I'm not sure if this is a happening outside  
of Mormon missionaries so if you don't get the joke don't be sad)

6. His cousin was trying to kill him. I mean if that doesn't mean he's  
annoying, then what does?

7. He's a hormonal teenager in the first three books.

8. He can't keep a girlfriend very long.

9. The first was trying to help kill him, and the second ended up marrying  
one of his best friends.

10. He named his horse darkness, which is proof that he has some major  
depression problems.

11. He came close to committing suicide in book one, he and would never have  
survived the Black City if not for Alanna, who thinks he's a prick too.

12. The first woman he gets engaged with is a homicidal psyco maniac from the  
Copper Isles.

13. He thinks everyone is desperately in love with him.

14,. He even told his girlfriend that she should be in love with him  
because everyone else is.

15. He can't beat a girl in a sword fight.

16. He very much loved the traitorous cousin who tried to kill him.

17. This means he is most likely Bi.

18. His wife only married him because she thought he was pretty.

19. His wife is blind if she thinks this.

20. He's a arrogant conceited spoiled depressed prick. Did I already say  
this? Well, it needs to be said a whole lot.

21. He is terrible at poetry.

22. He's worse then Neal at said poetry, and that's saying something.

23. He didn't believe his girlfriend who told him about the many times  
afore-mentioned traitorous and murderous cousin was trying to kill him. I  
mean, shouldn't he know by now that she's smarter than he is?

24. He's a slut - if the term can be used for a guy

25. He still wasn't completely over Alanna at the end of Lioness Rampant  
despite the fact that she'd moved on to the much cooler Liam and George and  
that he wanted to marry the worlds most beautiful princess.

**xXXXx**

**AN: Hehehe, as you can all see I can't stand Jon. hope you all liked. Upnext is Thayet. Thank you for betaing Alsdssg. Please review and tell me what you think. if you like Eragon, read Why Galbatorix is lame by my afore mentioned beta. **


	2. Alanna

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. You know who does; heck I don't even own the idea for this. **

**Chapter 3: Alanna of Trebond and Olau and all those other places.**

1. She's a slut.

2. She married a guy that was seven years older then her. (Now I ain't sayin'

she a gold digger, but she ain't messin' with no broke...um, sorry?)

3. She slept with her knight master, on multiple occasions

4. She slept with a guy that was fourteen years her senior.

5. Afore mentioned man ended making them break it off because she could use magic. One of them's got issues.

6. She named her cat Faithful. Who does that?

7. She never cried over her father's death. I mean come on how heartless can a person be.

8. She actually almost consented to marrying Jon.

9. She's was scared of using magic. Who would be scared of using only the coolest power in the world?

10. She throw's up at the sight of water, yet she lives right next to the sea. Need I say more.

11. She almost killed herself trying to save Prince Prick

12. She almost fainted when she got her ears pierced. I mean come on it barely even hurts. And she's a knight. Don't knights need to be able to

withstand pain?

13. In order to beat Alex in the final battle she had to stoop to using hand-to-hand combat while using swords.

14. She's queen of the sluts.

15. She needs Anger Management

16. She probably also needs to go to an AA meeting.

And here's a skit of Alanna going to see the psych doctor.

Alanna lying on couch is Psych doctor's office: Grrrr

Psych Doc. (we will call him PD): Now how does that make you feeeellll?

Alanna shriekingP: Feel, how does that make me _FEEL._ jumps up with random sword in hand that was pulled out of thin air and chops PD's head off

PD: _Ahhhhhh, I'm dead. _walks from room with head in hands

Prince Prick who somehow jumps into PD's psych room: NO Alanna has killed my beloved PD…crickets …um I mean…I swear I am not bi.

Alanna war cry chops Jon into little pieces

PD2: Now how does that make you feel.

Alanna: War cry

17. She didn't let Prince Prick die when she had the chance. Shame, really

**xXXXx**

**AN: Hey thank you all for updating, and as you can see, I changed my mind about Thayet being second. And in case you guys have npt figured this out yet; most of these jokes are not my opinion, all I'm doing is making fun of teh characters. Granted I do think Jon is Prince of the Pricks though.**


	3. Thayet

Disclaimer: TP owns all

Chapter 3: Thayet  
1. She married Jon. Need I say more?  
2. Said husband's "affectionate" nickname is Prince Prick.  
3. She is obsessed with her looks. Can you say Narcissus?  
4. She's an Alanna wannabe.  
5. Her mom committed suicide.  
6. She almost did same said act, with same said mother.  
7. Her dad is a nut.  
8. You can't even pronounce her last name.  
9. Did I mention she was crazy enough to marry Jon? Well, yeah, I did, but it  
needs to be repeated.  
10. She still hasn'sent said husband a dear Jon letter.  
11. She must be blind  
12. She plays with fans. Um who does that crickets oh yeah, she does.  
Makes  
her even more lame, No?  
13. She and Ashlee Simpson would be great friends. They are both diztes of the extremest kind.  
14. She wore a dress into battle.  
15. Said dress was pink. What self-respecting warrior goes into battle  
looking girly?  
16. Said dress also cost money. A lot of money.  
17. Thus she was helping to bankrupt her country.  
18. Her husband's first love was his squire, the crazy Alanna.  
19. Her husband never really got over said squire.  
20. She has anger-issues.  
21. Said anger issues are so bad that she ran out onto a balcony naked to  
shoot a bunch of loud monkeys. Damn her for hurting the lovably evil monkeys.

xXXXx

Hey all this will probably the last time i post in a long time, on any of my stories.sorry.


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